


to know him completely

by meilun



Category: VIXX
Genre: Canon Compliant, Crossdressing, Gen, Identity Issues, Insecurity, Lingerie, look ma i wrote something that isn't porn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-20
Updated: 2018-02-20
Packaged: 2019-03-21 13:04:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13741476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meilun/pseuds/meilun
Summary: Completely bare, he stood there for a moment, as if in a daze, tracing a finger along the floral lace decorating the waistband, the soft mesh panels at the sides, the dainty bow on the front.He gently, slowly stepped into the panties and drew the fabric up over his hips, smoothing them into place with an almost reverent touch.A blush swept across his cheeks and his heart fluttered in his chest as he looked at himself in the mirror.He was so pretty.





	to know him completely

**Author's Note:**

> for mara, who kept sending me pictures of lingerie that jaehwan would look incredible in

Half-hearted goodnights were mumbled as everyone wandered into their respective bedrooms. It was so late it was practically early, and stress had settled heavy on Jaehwan’s shoulders, the tension knotting tight in his muscles. Eighteen hours of rehearsals and recordings left him with little time to breathe, let alone catch any sleep. He was exhausted, the bags under his eyes so heavy they felt like an anchor, pulling his face down in a weary droop. 

Feet dragging, he shuffled over to his dresser, carelessly shedding clothes as he went. As he reached for a shirt to sleep in, he paused. He removed a stack of shirts and felt around the back of the drawer until his hand closed around familiar silk. He drew it out, carefully laying the delicate black panties atop his dresser as he clumsily stumbled out of his boxer briefs. Completely bare, he stood there for a moment, as if in a daze, tracing a finger along the floral lace decorating the waistband, the soft mesh panels at the sides, the dainty bow on the front. 

He gently, slowly stepped into the panties and drew the fabric up over his hips, smoothing them into place with an almost reverent touch. 

A blush swept across his cheeks and his heart fluttered in his chest as he looked at himself in the mirror. 

He was so pretty.

The tension melted away as he turned from side to side, admiring the stretch of the lace across his hips, the weight of his cock against the silk. It wasn’t sexual, not really. He never touched himself in them, too worried about ruining the expensive fabric. 

He wanted to feel soft. 

He wanted to feel feminine. 

He wanted to feel beautiful. 

Sometimes it was enough just to look at himself in them, to feel the delicate fabric caress his skin, just for a little bit, but sometimes he needed more, hiding the silk and lace under his designer jeans like a secret. No one else knew about any of it, about the panties, about the sheer camisoles tucked away in his closet, about the stockings shoved to the back of his underwear drawer. 

Sometimes he wondered what would happen if someone found out. 

Sometimes he wondered what it would be like to have someone know him completely.

\- - -

Finally, _finally_ they had a night off— no recordings, no late night practices, just freedom. Jaehwan had cheeto dust on his fingers and a gaming headset over his ears, trying to be helpful and make calls for his teammates but mostly just making panicked little sounds as his character inevitably, repeatedly died.

Jaehwan was angrily shoving another handful of cheetos into his mouth when Hongbin burst into his room, not even bothering to knock. 

“Hyung,” he said desperately, doing an awkward little hop-shuffle towards the door in the corner, “I need to use your bathroom because Wonshik has food poisoning and he’s locked himself in and it’s like a _crime scene_ and—”

Jaehwan flapped an impatient hand at him, crumbs flying, trying to focus on his game. “Whatever, just go.”

Hongbin came out of the bathroom a minute later, wiping his still-wet hands on his jeans, hesitating next to Jaehwan’s desk awkwardly.

“Hyung, did you, uh— did you bring a girl home recently?” he asked, and Jaehwan’s hands froze over his keyboard, game forgotten. He had been so busy fuming about how _clearly_ everyone was hacking because there was _no way_ they were that good that he completely forgot about the frilly pink panties still draped over the side of his sink to dry. “Hakyeon-hyung will be pissed if he finds out.”

“No, I—” Jaehwan broke off, excuses sitting heavy on his tongue, but he couldn’t force a single one out as shame clawed its way up from his chest, squeezing around his throat like a vise. Hongbin’s eyebrows drew together, and he frowned.

“Then why are there—” Hongbin’s eyes widened, and Jaehwan watched with dread as the pieces slotted into place. “Oh. You— _oh_.”

Jaehwan dropped his gaze to his lap, to the processed cheese dust under his fingernails, the explosions and gunfire from his game fading into muffled background noise. He waited for the disgust, for the disappointment, but all he heard were footsteps leaving the room and the click of his bedroom door closing.

He closed his laptop and crawled into bed, tugging his covers up over his head until it was dark and quiet and suffocating.

\- - -

Practice was brutal the next day. He hadn’t slept much at all, hadn’t done much of anything except remember the look on Hongbin’s face.

His skin crawled with shame.

He skipped breakfast and wedged himself between Taekwoon and Wonshik on the way over to the studio, quiet and drawn, letting Wonshik drool on his shoulder as he snored.

They spent hours learning new choreography, but Jaehwan was dragging everyone down, picking up the steps too slowly, even slower than usual. With every misstep, with every late movement, frustration radiated off the others in thick waves that threatened to smother him. 

In the mirror, he caught a glimpse of Hongbin and saw the way his eyes lingered on Jaehwan’s waistband, just for a moment. He felt the shame surge up once more and made yet another mistake, turning right instead of left and crashing into an exasperated Sanghyuk, landing hard on his ass.

“Oh, for crying out loud,” Hakyeon muttered, rubbing at his brow, futilely attempting to smooth out the wrinkles forming there. “Let’s take five. Jaehwan, get your head on straight.”

Jaehwan nodded, mumbling an apology as Hakyeon brushed past him, bending to pat him on the shoulder on his way out the door. Jaehwan stayed where he fell and drew his legs up to his chest, watching as the rest of the group trailed after Hakyeon, in search of a drink or a snack or some fresh air. 

Everyone except Hongbin.

“Hyung, can we talk?”

Jaehwan let his head fall forward against his knees. He wanted to say no. He wanted to cry. He wanted to go back in time to a point where Hongbin didn’t think he was a disgusting pervert.

He heard Hongbin plop down next to him and felt the press of a shoulder against his own. 

“What do you want to talk about?” Jaehwan asked, the words muffled and miserable. 

Hongbin took a deep, shuddering breath. “I’m sorry about last night. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“It’s not your fault,” Jaehwan mumbled.

“No, I shouldn’t have walked out like I did.” Hongbin sighed. “I didn’t know what to do, but that doesn’t make how I handled it okay.”

Jaehwan rolled his head to the side, finally meeting Hongbin’s eyes, searching for judgment or disgust or _something_ and just finding Hongbin instead, his brows furrowed slightly with worry. 

“You don’t think I’m gross?”

Hongbin chewed on his lip for a moment. “I think,” he said, hesitating but earnest. “I think if it makes you happy, then that’s what’s important.” 

Bolstered by a rush of hope, Jaehwan scooted closer, seeking comfort, tipping his head to rest against Hongbin’s shoulder. Hongbin wrapped an arm around him immediately, holding him close like he used to when they were young and scared and so hungry for success.

“Pretty things suit you,” Hongbin whispered, mouth pressed against Jaehwan’s hair, and Jaehwan fell into his touch and let himself be held.

**Author's Note:**

> i know this was very different from my normal schtick of filthy porn and dick jokes, so i'd love to hear what you think—your comments always make my day ♡
> 
> [twitter](http://twitter.com/meiluuun)


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